What Friends Do (written fall 2008)

[original_lavi]

My first story this semester for my independent study. I really, really, really don't like it. I think it's empty and pointless. But I would really appreciate feedback, especially of the specific kind relating to what's wrong with the story and what it needs. As well as anything that happened to work.

If Daniel had to pick only one day to remember the three of them, the choice would have been simple: the Halloween when they were nine years old. His mother had never gotten around to getting him a costume even though she’d promised, so Jackie stole a sheet out of the linen closet in Caitlyn’s house.

“Don’t worry,” she told Caitlyn as she cut out eyeholes. “If your parents get mad I’ll give you one of my sheets to make up for it.”

For Caitlyn, it was the summer afternoon they spent lying side-by-side on their backs, after a sticky but fulfilling picnic they had made themselves. They squinted up a too-blue sky, reaching and grasping with empty hands to catch birds and mosquitoes above them. Jackie hummed a song she said she had made up, though it sounded to Caitlyn an awful lot like their favorite one on the radio, and declared they would be best friends forever.

“Okay,” said Daniel, “you’ll be my best friends, but it’ll be a secret. We’ll have to use a secret code.”

“Why?” Caitlyn asked, turning her head to the side.

“Because.” Daniel was frowning at the sky, looking intent. “It has to be secret. David and Luke and Peter and them will laugh at me for hanging out with girls.”

“Caty and me’ll beat them up,” Jackie said. “We won’t let anyone laugh at you. Best friends don’t do that.”

Caitlyn wiggled over so she could dart in and peck a kiss on Daniel’s cheek. It was the first time she had done that. Daniel immediately covered his face with his hands.

“Don’t worry,” she told him. “We’ll use a secret code.”

Jackie did not want to remember anything at all.

Jackie awed Caitlyn. Caitlyn was the shy girl who always picked the furthest swing during recess, watching Jackie round up the boys for dodgeball or the girls to pretend they were Hollywood models. That was how it started – Jackie ran over and grabbed her hand, announcing, “You’ll be my agent.”

“What does an agent do?” Caitlyn asked, allowing Jackie to pull her along, succumbing to a greater force than her own.

Jackie turned to face her, gesturing expansively. “An agent helps take care of a model. You make sure I have all my make-up and clothes, everything looks good for the cameras, and you call places to tell them I’ll be there.”

Caitlyn mostly just stood behind her through the rest of recess, watching Jackie saunter up and down the hop-skotch diagram like it was a runway. Afterward she ran back up to Caitlyn.

“How did I do?” Jackie asked breathlessly.

“Fabulously,” Caitlyn said, because she was pretty sure that was what they said in Hollywood. Jackie beamed at her.

Jackie’s best friend Amy moved away at the end of second grade, and Jackie chose Caitlyn as a replacement. Caitlyn was awed once more, and she spent third grade eating lunch and spending recesses with her, listening to Jackie talk. Caitlyn’s mother brought them to an amusement park in the spring, where Jackie got Caitlyn to tell about her secret crush on Josh. Jackie swore she’d never tell, and she’d find a way to get them together, don’t worry.

Two weeks later Caitlyn caught Jackie whispering with Josh and glancing in her direction. Josh looked pretty disgusted.

Caitlyn ran away, certain she would die of humiliation. She refused to talk to Jackie and ate lunch with Maria and Courtney, until finally Jackie cornered her in the bathroom.

“I’m sorry!” she cried. “I was just trying to help you!”

Caitlyn crossed her arms and looked away. “You promised not to tell.”

“I didn’t, I didn’t, I was just saying – please Caty, you can’t stay mad at me. We’re best friends, remember?” Jackie pulled Caitlyn’s hand out of her locked arms. “Come to my house this weekend and I’ll tell you a secret.”

Caitlyn looked down at their hands and knew she couldn’t stay mad. Jackie was always right, and what she said always came true.

Daniel lived three houses down from Caitlyn. They had known each other since kindergarten and Caitlyn’s mother often had him over, though Caitlyn didn’t know why since she never asked to invite him. Her mother usually made her play a board game or in the backyard with him, though.

He was pretty quiet at first, but eventually started talking more. He liked usual boy things. Caitlyn’s mother pulled out her brother’s old toys, including a Star Wars set, and when he used it to blow up Caitlyn’s Polly Pockets, Caitlyn got fed up and went to her room to make a “No Boys Allowed” sign.

Most of the time she and Daniel got along, though. He wasn’t too bad, for a boy.

***

One Saturday in fourth grade, Jackie came over so she and Caitlyn could go to the swimming pool. For weeks they had been looking forward to it for weeks, and it was finally getting warm enough to swim.

Jackie’s dad had just dropped her off when Caitlyn’s mother came into the living room. “Hello Jackie, sweetie. Caitlyn, Daniel’s going to be coming with us to the pool.”

“Moooooom!”

“Don’t start that,” her mother said in a warning voice, and Caitlyn scowled at the carpet.

They stopped in front of Daniel’s house and Caitlyn’s mother went to the door. Inside the van Jackie tapped her fingers with their short painted nails against the window.

“Why’s he coming with us, Caty?”

“I dunno. It’s not like I ever invited him.” Then, checking herself, she added, “He’s not too bad, though. For a boy. And it’s not like Mom’ll make us play with him.”

When Caitlyn’s mother finally walked back to the van, she had her hand on Daniel’s shoulder. He had his swimming trunks clutched in one hand and his face looked red. Just as they reached the van, Caitlyn realized he had been crying. She felt embarrassed for him and looked away.

Daniel got into the front seat and Caitlyn studied his face in the side view mirror. His eyes were puffy.

The ride to the pool was silent.

When they arrived, Jackie and Caitlyn ran into the pool area to shrug out of their cover-ups. They had already gone down the slide three times when Daniel emerged from the bathroom in his trunks. Jackie swam towards him, and Caitlyn followed.

“Wanna play Marco Polo?”

Daniel jumped into the pool, splashing them. He shook the water out of his eyes. “Sure.”

They played Marco Polo and water tag. Caitlyn’s mother threw in their bag of weighted coins, and they raced to see who could get the most. It was the most fun with Daniel Caitlyn had ever had.

At school they didn’t hang out exclusively, because everyone knew that boys and girls spending any amount of quality time together was an open invitation to endless teasing. But apart from their special girl days, when Jackie came over she suggested they call Daniel to see if he could come over. He always did.

Occasionally, they crossed the boundaries at school. During a recess when the boys played kickball, Daniel tripped and slammed into the gravel. He rolled over with his knees bright red, his face screwed up and clearly holding back a howl, and Caitlyn ran to him.

“It’s okay,” she said, and put a hand on his shoulder. She wanted to brush the gravel off his skin but was afraid of hurting him. “I’ll take you to the nurse.”

She helped him up and held his hand tightly as they limped back inside. The boys sniggered, but Caitlyn felt proud.

The long-anticipated graduation to junior high arrived. It was a new age. Caitlyn had been growing slightly less awed by Jackie in many things, but the passionate, all-absorbing focus Jackie threw into embracing the change – in wardrobe, the make-up her indulgent mother allowed, hairstyles, and magazines – sent Caitlyn back into silent wonder. Jackie wouldn’t leave her behind, of course; she shared the magazines, pointed out the sort of clothes they should wear when they went shopping with their mothers, and since Caitlyn’s mother was less lenient Jackie helped her apply lipstick in the morning before homeroom.

This was all in preparation for her future acting career, Jackie explained. It was a dream she had had since second grade, and Caitlyn had never thought to doubt it. Now, following Jackie’s red high-heeled shoes, glittery jeans and cute hairstyle down the hallway, it seemed positively inevitable.

And all of a sudden boys – eighth-graders, too! – swarmed around her. Well, both of them, since they were hardly ever far enough apart to allow a swarm between them. More than one seemed interested in Caitlin alone, which amazed her, but before she had chance to make a fool of herself Jackie interceded, deflecting the attention with a laugh and grabbing her by the hand to pull her to the bathroom, where they collapsed in giggles and long conversations evaluating each one.

Looking back, Caitlyn did not find it surprising that Daniel drifted away from them then; they must have been very tiring.

Around the middle of seventh grade, however, something happened. There was a new boy – another Joshua – with soft-looking sandy hair, a quiet smile, and he sat next to Caitlyn in science class. He spoke up often to answer questions, they shared notes, worked on lab assignments together, and Caitlyn knew she was in love with him.

When Jackie learned, she shrieked with laughter. “That Joshua? He’s such a nerd!”

Caitlyn did not smile or blush. She looked at Jackie stonily.

Jackie gave an exaggerated sigh. “Caty, trust me on this. You can do so much better.”

Caitlyn’s hands tightened into fists, hidden behind the folds of her dress. “You don’t know him, Jackie.” You don’t know how I feel.

“I know you can do better than that. Come on, who’s had more experience now?”

Caitlyn refused to discuss it. She even started ignoring Jackie when she brought Joshua up. Jackie did not take well to this, and began maintaining that Joshua was an evil influence bent on tearing them apart. Now this bothered Caitlyn.

“No he’s not,” she said. “You’re the one making a big deal about it. He isn’t doing anything.”

Jackie glared at her. “You’re letting a boy come between us. That’s the ground rule of best friends. You can’t let boys come between us.”

He isn’t between us, Caitlyn wanted to shout. He isn’t doing anything at all, we aren’t even dating. I don’t even think he likes me like that.

But Jackie was set on this the way she got about things sometimes. It had never been directed against Caitlyn before, though. Not that it was exactly against Caitlyn; Jackie seemed to think she was doing her a favor, acting in her best interest. “I’ll show you,” she told Caitlyn. “He’s not worth a second of your time. I’ll show you.”

Though their lunch table had always exclusively been girls, that year they had experienced an invasion of boys which Caitlyn thought most intrusive. She knew they were coming for Jackie, and it annoyed her that Jackie encouraged them. Most boys – (Josh an exception, which was what made him so special) were very stupid. They were constantly grabbing things, thinking they were showing off and proving themselves better than the others, when really it was just a competition to see who the stupidest was.

That day Brian, Jackson, Andrew, and Jeffrey sat down around them. Brian got the seat across from Jackie, which made him even smugger than usual. Caitlyn hated him.

Jackie played with her straw, twirling it between her fingers as she stared at him. Finally she said, “I have a secret to tell you later.”

Brian grinned, leaning forward. “Oh really? What’s it about? Tell me.”

Jackie just smiled, spinning her stupid straw before her mouth. “Later.”

“Come on –“

She turned deliberately to the boy two seats down from him. “Hey Andy,” she said, in her most sugar-sweet voice. “Whatcha doing this weekend?”

Andrew looked briefly thunderstruck, but moved quickly so as not to lose the opportunity. He leaned across the table, before the others. “Me, this weekend? Nothing. I mean – I had some plans to get with my homeboys and go skateboarding, but –“

He was drowned out by a derisive noise from Brian. “Homeboys? You have homeboys? Get out.”

Jackie ignored him, still leaning forward with her smile fixed on Andy. “Well, maybe if you aren’t skating Saturday night –“

“Nah, I don’t think we will be,” Andrew said at once.

“– then maybe we can go see something at the movies. You can call me if you’re free.”

“Yeah,” Andrew said. “Wait – I, I’m not sure if I have your number.”

She sat back. “I’ll give it to you later.”

Caitlyn stabbed her green beans with her fork repeatedly. She imagined sitting with Josh, maybe after class when the room was empty, and talking about this or that, until he asked her what she was doing that weekend. She wouldn’t tell Jackie. It would be their secret until they were actually boyfriend and girlfriend, and then she would face Jackie and tell her, “I love him, and he loves me, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” Then Jackie would lift her hands in defeat, because she wouldn’t go against Caitlyn’s love. She may not like it at first, but eventually she would come to see that Josh was better than all those boys she talked to.

It happened very unexpectedly just after school one day. Jackie caught Caitlyn by her locker.

“Caty, c’mere, I have something to show you.”

Caitlyn was a little guarded; things had been rough between them lately. “What is it?”

“A surprise. Something I’ve been meaning to show you. Come on, come on.”

Jackie took her by the hand to pull her along, and Caitlyn followed her like she always did.

They came to the gymnasium, where the basketball team was starting their warm-ups. The last gym class was just emerging from the boys’ bathroom. With the usual little catch in her breath and flutter of her heart, Caitlyn saw Josh among them, his beautiful hair tousled and slightly damp, just before someone slammed him to the ground.

“FAG!”

Josh looked up, incredulous, at the boy who had shoved him. Caitlyn saw it was Brian.

A ring had already formed loosely around them.

“I saw you looking at me in there!” Brian shouted. The basketball team stopped to stare, as did the girl’s gym class just outside their bathroom.

Josh made no reply. He stared up at Brian, beautiful pink lips parted and eyes bemused.

“Get up! What’s wrong with you?” Brain aimed a kick at his leg. A light kick, but effective nonetheless; Josh scrambled backwards to his feet, seeming to realize as he did the boys standing silently behind him – not in support, but penning him in.

“I saw you looking at me!” Brian said again. He didn’t have to yell now; the entire gymnasium was still, silent, watching.

“I don’t,” Josh began, but Brian immediately shoved him back again.

“Look what I found!” Another boy, Jeffrey, had picked up Josh’s bag when it fell from him. He extracted a pair of very pink girl’s underwear.

Shocked giggles burst from the girls by the bathroom. Josh’s fair face turned bright red, for a moment paralyzed and speechless; then, furious, he started toward Jeffrey. “You put those –“

“Don’t come near me!” Jeffrey shoved him hard, with all his body. Josh stumbled towards Brian, who shoved him in turn, and he hit the floor again.

Jeffrey flung the panties in Josh’s face; they rolled down onto his chest.

“Keep them, faggot.”

The boys walked away, leaving a clear space across the gym between Josh’s eyes and Caitlyn’s.

During the whole exchange – which took so little time, an unbelievably short time for something so monstrous and life-changing – Caitlyn had done no more than take two steps forward, a scream locked in her throat. Then it was over, and with a shudder, she turned away from him to face Jackie again.

In Jackie’s face was something Caitlyn had never seen before, though she had no ability to recognize it or the fact of that then. Jackie still had her arms crossed, her posture defiant and self-righteous, but her face held uncertainty.

“See,” she said, though her voice quavered. “See – I told you so.”

Caitlyn took a step towards her, and Jackie stepped back.

Caitlyn wanted with all her being to slap her, but she had never hit anyone, let alone Jackie. And Caitlyn was crying now, her shoulders shaking and her face screwing up, and she knew she wasn’t impressive or dignified and would be lucky to get any intelligible words out at all.

“Don’t,” she choked out finally, hands clenched at her sides, willing for just enough control to make herself clear. “Don’t talk to me – ever again. I – hate you.” Jackie’s eyes grew very wide. Caitlyn choked again, struggling, and finally bit out the final word: “Bitch.”

Caitlyn cried all the way home, unable to say anything but shook her head as her mother asked questions. At home she curled up on her bed and cried some more. Her mother sat by her and stroked her hair, disturbed and silent until finally the gasping sobs quieted and stilled.

“Is there anything I can get you?” her mother asked, very quietly.

Caitlyn did not answer for a moment, then sniffed and rubbed her face. “Daniel,” she whispered hoarsely. “Call Daniel.”

He was the only other one who knew Jackie like she did.

Jackie did not approach Caitlyn again for the rest of the year. They disentangled their lives from each other’s as unobtrusively as they could, though not all of it could be handled neatly.

Daniel, not unsurprisingly, stepped into the place of Caitlyn’s best friend. There were the natural rumors, but Daniel, who had become a bit of a confirmed oddball, had long grown past caring what the other boys thought. Caitlyn didn’t care either about whispers concerning them. It was nothing compared to what Josh was going through.

On a Saturday evening three years later, Daniel walked out of the local mall, talking to Caitlyn on his cell as he tried to figure out where they were meeting later with some friends for a movie, when he abruptly stopped walking and talking.

Not far in front of him, a thin girl leaned against the back of a bench, tapping the ashes from a cigarette between her fingers. She had black hair and oversized sunglasses, but Daniel already had the feeling and when she turned her head, he knew.

“Daniel? Are you still there?”

“Uh –” Daniel tried not to let his brain implode from the unexpectedly surreal situation: staring at Jackie while she had not yet seen him, while Caitlyn talked obliviously in his ear. Finally he managed, “I’ll – I’ll call you back, okay?”

“But do you know where we’re going to be?”

“It’s okay, I’ll call you back.”

Daniel closed the phone, still staring. He had no idea if he wanted to approach her – what would they say – but he didn’t think he could just walk away, either.

Finally, he stepped forward, one foot in front of the other until he was parallel with her – a healthy amount of space between them, but all she had to do was turn her head and see him. She was gazing across the parking lot, however.

“Jackie?”

She turned, stared blankly for a moment, then gave a start which sent the cigarette spinning to the ground. She straightened up as though electrified, but then just as suddenly stopped.

They stared at each other, waiting for something to happen.

Finally Daniel said, with difficulty, “How are you?”

Jackie raised a hand to take off her sunglasses, for which Daniel was immensely grateful. Her dyed hair blew across her face, and she brushed it away, blinking at him with eyes deep in eyeliner.

“Hi,” she said finally. She seemed unable to take her eyes off him.

“How’ve you been?” Daniel said awkwardly.

“Good,” Jackie said, seeming to snap out of her daze a little. “I’ve been fine. How are you?”

“I’m good too. Yeah.”

“How – how’s Caitlyn?”

Daniel paused, aware of the phone in his hand – she was just here a moment ago, I could call her again now if you wanted to talk to her – but knew that couldn’t be done. “She’s doing well,” he said at last. “Really well.”

“Good.” Jackie stared at the ground now, and with some ancient memory and instinct Daniel knew she was considering something.“We,” she began, lifting her eyes, “we should talk sometime. Get together and talk. I’d like that.”

“Yeah,” said Daniel, knowing it was never going to happen. “Me too. We’ve missed you, you know.” Caitlyn had not talked about Jackie in years.

“Really,” Jackie said, like an echo, like she didn’t want to test the statement. “I’ve missed you too. We should really get together sometime.”

“Yeah.” Daniel suddenly felt an overwhelming desire to leave, to get away from this situation. It was painful. “I’ll tell Caitlin I saw you.”

“Oh.” Jackie seemed daunted by this, but trying to adjust. “Okay. Hey, tell her –“

Daniel held his breath, afraid to move.

“Tell her…” Jackie fumbled, playing with a ring on her finger. She cast her eyes sideways, and Daniel saw how wretched she was.

“It’s okay,” he said, breaking the moment. “It’s okay. I’ll tell her.”

She blinked at him again, startled. “You will? Just tell her that –“

“Yeah, I know. I will.”

Jackie looked at him for a long moment. “Okay,” she said, finally. “Thank you.”

Daniel nodded and smiled. Another long awkward silence; they knew this was the end, and they should touch somehow but they didn’t know what would be appropriate.

At last, without warning Jackie darted in and squeezed her arms around him. Daniel put his arms around her, trying and wishing that it meant something, and then Jackie pulled away.

She gave him a bright smile. “It was really good to see you,” she said as she was walking backwards. “I’ve gotta go now, but we should keep in touch!”

Daniel raised his hand to wave as she turned and ran.

He turned away too, flipping open his phone to put his thumb over the number that was Caitlyn’s speed-dial, quietly savoring for a moment all that was left of the connection between the three of them.