cleo: Famke Jansen's legs in black and white (Default)
ak ([personal profile] cleo) wrote in [personal profile] original_lavi 2008-12-15 11:04 pm (UTC)

The really bright spot in this is the first scene with the therapist. It's biting, funny, and it rings incredibly true. The dialogue and exposition are seamless in this portion, and I think that's what you need to strive for with the rest of the piece.

Honestly, the rest seems a bit lukewarm. The stuff with the angel is a bit Sueish, and the scenes with the friends are too biting. It does not ring as witty repartee, but it does not seem as if you meant for it to be so very biting.

And the end... I have a hard time with endings, but you already know there are problems with this one. So, I'll leave that to someone else to comment on. I honestly have no suggestion for how to fix it. Not yet at least.

I'd like to come back to this, though.

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