cleo: Famke Jansen's legs in black and white (Default)
ak ([personal profile] cleo) wrote in [personal profile] original_lavi 2009-02-10 10:27 pm (UTC)

Okay...

I know this is really picky, but the first independent clause of your first sentence is in present perfect (non-continuous) and the second independent clause is in past tense. The faulty parallelism is really jarring, especially since this is the first thing we read of the story. It should read, "So far this semester my Tuesdays and Thursdays have been perfectly lazy, and I am glorying in it"...

There is definitely a story here, and I think if you want to work on this and flesh it out, you are going to be able to capture the feeling you want throughout. But right now, the beginning is stilted in that it reads too much like a list. I would suggest adding more of the minute details and moving away from going through the routine so dryly.

And the end...I don't like listing the excuses that way. It seems like you are doing them each a disservice by making them incredibly clinical.

I do like the middle, the dream itself.

The rain was falling, and a tall tree to the side of the games had green branches like broccoli, which I had eaten for lunch. They broke and fell as I watched.

This part has a TON of potential in the clarity of detail.



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