I think this story moved a bit fast; if you ever felt like going back to it, I think it might benefit from a bit more character development, taking your time through the scenes. As it is, it's a little brisk. That said, it is a short story, after all.
I think it shocked me though, Jackie's behaviour; it seemed sudden. I think, in drawing the whole story out, you would get a more gradual build up of emotion for both the characters and the reader.
Overall, I did like this, though; the emotions feel very real, and I can relate to it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-12-16 11:38 am (UTC)I think it shocked me though, Jackie's behaviour; it seemed sudden. I think, in drawing the whole story out, you would get a more gradual build up of emotion for both the characters and the reader.
Overall, I did like this, though; the emotions feel very real, and I can relate to it.