Start of a new story (again, for school)

[original_lavi]

 ROUGH DRAFT AS IN I JUST FINISHED WRITING THIS WITH ONE READ-THROUGH.

I think it'll be a fairly lengthy short-story; maybe even three short stories.  I don't know.  This may be the beginning or it may be in the middle somewhere.  I have very little idea of what's up with anyone, especially Jackie.  I just desperately don't want her to become a Mary-Sue of any flavor.  But please please please give me some initial feedback.

***

If Daniel had to pick only one day to remember the three of them, the choice would have been simple: the Halloween when they were nine years old.  His mother had never gotten around to getting him a costume even though she’d promised, so Jackie stole a sheet out of the linen closet in Caitlyn’s house.

“Don’t worry,” she told Caitlyn as she cut out eyeholes (ghost costumes had to have eyeholes, after all, even if you could see through the thin white sheet), “if your parents get mad I’ll give you one of my sheets to make up for it.”

 

For Caitlyn, it was the summer afternoon they spent lying side-by-side on their backs, after a sticky but fulfilling picnic they had made themselves.  They squinted up at a too-blue sky, reaching and grasping with empty hands to catch birds and mosquitoes above them.  Jackie hummed a song she said she had made up, though it sounded to Caitlyn an awful lot like their favorite one on the radio, and declared they would be best friends forever.

“Okay,” said Daniel, “you’ll be my best friends, but it’ll be a secret.  We’ll have to use a secret code.”

“Why?” Caitlyn asked, turning her head to the side.

“Because.” Daniel was frowning at the sky, looking intent.  “It has to be secret.  David and Luke and Peter and them will laugh at me for hanging out with girls.”

“Cate and me’ll beat them up,” Jackie said loudly.  “We won’t let anyone laugh at you.  Best friends don’t do that.”

Caitlyn wiggled over so she could dart in and peck a kiss on Daniel’s cheek.  It was the first time she had done that.  Daniel immediately covered his face with his hands. 

“Don’t worry,” she told him.  “We’ll use a secret code.”

 

Jackie did not want to remember anything at all.

Comments

[lavinialavender.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Well, I stated they were nine for the first tidbit...I didn't actually decide myself exactly how old they are in the second, but it might even be a tiny bit younger. Probably about eight. I'm a bit concerned that the dialogue and action are contradictory, though. Care to explain further which indicated which?

[cleo]

oh, hmm. I was so bleary eyed when reading this morning.

I'm commenting with my phone now; so, I'll elaborate when I get home!