Start of a new story (again, for school)

[original_lavi]

 ROUGH DRAFT AS IN I JUST FINISHED WRITING THIS WITH ONE READ-THROUGH.

I think it'll be a fairly lengthy short-story; maybe even three short stories.  I don't know.  This may be the beginning or it may be in the middle somewhere.  I have very little idea of what's up with anyone, especially Jackie.  I just desperately don't want her to become a Mary-Sue of any flavor.  But please please please give me some initial feedback.

***

If Daniel had to pick only one day to remember the three of them, the choice would have been simple: the Halloween when they were nine years old.  His mother had never gotten around to getting him a costume even though she’d promised, so Jackie stole a sheet out of the linen closet in Caitlyn’s house.

“Don’t worry,” she told Caitlyn as she cut out eyeholes (ghost costumes had to have eyeholes, after all, even if you could see through the thin white sheet), “if your parents get mad I’ll give you one of my sheets to make up for it.”

 

For Caitlyn, it was the summer afternoon they spent lying side-by-side on their backs, after a sticky but fulfilling picnic they had made themselves.  They squinted up at a too-blue sky, reaching and grasping with empty hands to catch birds and mosquitoes above them.  Jackie hummed a song she said she had made up, though it sounded to Caitlyn an awful lot like their favorite one on the radio, and declared they would be best friends forever.

“Okay,” said Daniel, “you’ll be my best friends, but it’ll be a secret.  We’ll have to use a secret code.”

“Why?” Caitlyn asked, turning her head to the side.

“Because.” Daniel was frowning at the sky, looking intent.  “It has to be secret.  David and Luke and Peter and them will laugh at me for hanging out with girls.”

“Cate and me’ll beat them up,” Jackie said loudly.  “We won’t let anyone laugh at you.  Best friends don’t do that.”

Caitlyn wiggled over so she could dart in and peck a kiss on Daniel’s cheek.  It was the first time she had done that.  Daniel immediately covered his face with his hands. 

“Don’t worry,” she told him.  “We’ll use a secret code.”

 

Jackie did not want to remember anything at all.

Comments

[cleo]

It's very sweet and endearing. I can see it being the middle of something. The only problem is that there's no clear establishment of the character's ages. I kept vacillating between the girls being older than Daniel, the girls being the same age as Daniel, all of the kids being younger, and all of the kids being on the brink of being teenagers... It's the dialogue at war with the descriptions of the actions.

If it's the middle of something, it's probably not a problem, as stuff like that would be established earlier.

[lavinialavender.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Well, I stated they were nine for the first tidbit...I didn't actually decide myself exactly how old they are in the second, but it might even be a tiny bit younger. Probably about eight. I'm a bit concerned that the dialogue and action are contradictory, though. Care to explain further which indicated which?

[cleo]

oh, hmm. I was so bleary eyed when reading this morning.

I'm commenting with my phone now; so, I'll elaborate when I get home!

[cleo]

“Don’t worry,” she told Caitlyn as she cut out eyeholes (ghost costumes had to have eyeholes, after all, even if you could see through the thin white sheet), “if your parents get mad I’ll give you one of my sheets to make up for it.”

Here, there isn't really an incongruity between the dialogue and the action. But both of them together speak of an older child to me. She seems like an oldest sibling, a bit of a mother hen, someone who is going to take care of the younger kids. It's the calmness in that statement and the actions.

Caitlyn wiggled over so she could dart in and peck a kiss on Daniel’s cheek. It was the first time she had done that. Daniel immediately covered his face with his hands.

This just seems like something an older but still little girl would do to a younger boy, and it doesn't really match with Caitlin's dialogue, which seems like that of a younger girl.

In contrast, I really love Daniel's action here. It's so "little boy". And you've done really well in choosing the name Daniel here, even if it was not intentional. It evokes the image of a peaceful, trusting person.

“Cate and me’ll beat them up,” Jackie said loudly. “We won’t let anyone laugh at you. Best friends don’t do that.”

When I read this, I went back because I questioned whether this was the same character as in the beginning.

[lavinialavender.livejournal.com]

Jackie's definitely the ringleader; she's bossy, with so much confidence she's often cocky. I dunno, I thought older kids would know better than to cut holes in sheets.

(Oh, and the whole mention of Halloween at all? Is probably because of your latest thing on passing_tones. Not exactly inspirational, but it put it in my mimnd.)

I'm glad Daniel worked so well; yeah, I angst over names, particularly boy names.

Huh, I'm puzzled though that Jackie's lines in the beginning and end didn't seem like the same character.

[cleo]

I dunno, I thought older kids would know better than to cut holes in sheets

I think it's that she is so aware of a) what she's doing, b) the consequences, and c) a way to combat those consequences.

She's being logical and calm, and the syntax and language she uses (including the way you write the words) does not match, for me, her quote later in the story.